Tuesday, March 18, 2014

yeah yeah (3-18-14)

okay, so like today in World History I was like "uber" emotional. Oh man, so Prof. J. talked about the Spanish Flu pandemic of 1918 and then he went into like personal application and how like last Spring and this Spring he didn't know if he had cancer and dude, that really got me! I don't know man, I was tripping out on the skin on my hands again lol. Like, it's just, after learning about squamus skin cells and their shape and that dang tissue project we did in Gagnon's junior year, I tend to have times when I totally trip out on my skin. And I just kept getting overemotional and excited and when he talked about Russia and the Bolshevik revolution, I was like "didn't they have the wrong calendar?" and a few minutes later Prof. J. was all "they had the wrong calendar" and I almost cried. Dude, today world history was so great but I was so unfocused, I kept forgetting where I was. Also, Seth has facial hair and I was like OMG and I texted Celia. I wanted to talk to Lisa about World History but I didn't see her or her stuff in lower caf so like I don't know where she is? And my roommate is at the beach still I think so??? but yeah 
p.s. I think I forgot stuff
p.p.s I thought about Keily and I smiled really big

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

His favorite color is blue!!!

ugh I'm so glad we got to have little mini conversations today oh man

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

there's this boy

Okay, so like. There's this boy.
I have said a few words to him but I don't know him and he doesn't know me.
He's in Chapel Band, he plays the electric guitar. He has a wonderful voice, both singing and talking. His face is just so wonderful. He has that kind of angry look but he's not. And that jawline, oh my. His hair is wild and wavy. I'm very drawn to him. From the first time I laid my eyes on him I thought "oh, he looks really interesting." But it was October and I was like, "nope not looking for boys." But this semester, he began looking so attractive, and then I have a class with him! I thought he was Mexican, but he's Spanish! 
I feel miserable because I want to talk to him and make him smile and just, I want intimacy with him!!! Like, not in that way where like I want to rush and just be all close to him, but I want to be his friend and develop a true and close relationship with him. Like, it scares me how badly I want to get to know him. 
Last night I went up to him and asked him if he wanted to study with me, and he said sure, and asked when I was free and we're supposed to study together tomorrow. Oh man, his smile. Wow. He drives me wild and I don't even know him. What if my intrigue in him is just like, some kind of like, not even supposed to happen? I'm being too optimistic and hoping that my intense desire to get to know him is like my soul recognizing his, because we're meant to be.. but that's just a thought. I don't know dude. I feel like poop. My heart is going to throw up and I'm already beginning to lose my appetite around him, okay around the thought of him. I don't know. I just want to spend time with him and make him smile and I hope he likes me, not in the whole like-like way, but in the "oh, I like this person. Yes, friendship." Ugh. My tummy is all freaking out and so is my heart. And I can't believe I have a crush on a boy I don't even know!!! 
Today we almost made eye contact!!! He looks at me. *swoons* So yeah. His name is Seth. Okay.  

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I don't know.

Today I found out that Enrique passed away.
Back in November my mom told me that she had ran into his mom at the grocery and she was very troubled because he was having heart problems. None of us really thought much of it, just "oh, he's just a bit less healthy." My mom said we should have gone to visit him and just bring a little bit of cheer. 
I haven't seen Enrique since the day before Graduation. He never showed up on the day of Graduation and many of us were worried. Later on, we heard he had just been sidetracked catching up with an old friend. Today I heard that he had been in the hospital since Grad Night. 
It hasn't really sunk in that a person who I met when I was like 7 years old and who I got to see grow and mature, a person I got to see smile, and laugh, and be angry, a person I got to hug and talk to is now dead. It just seems so unreal. Like, he just turned 20 three months ago and now he's gone.
I checked out his mom's facebook and I really like Derek's mom's comment of encouragement.
Gosh, dude. I just don't know. I don't know.
I can't believe this.
And is it rude and disrespectful to go to his funeral though I wasn't there for him in his final days?
I feel guilty because I didn't go visit him or even try to contact him when I found out about him being unwell. I don't know, this is so real. I just. 
I keep getting flashbacks. Mission beach, hanging out at the tree at lunch time, how he'd walk with his sidebag thing, that one time when he got mad outside of Celia's house and threw his binder on the ground, his serious face, his voice, when he had that iPod, practice, his fingerless clapping, when he'd stand too close to me, etc. I just, what.
I don't know dude. I just, I don't know.
He's dead. I'm never going to see him again. Or hear of his time at college, or of his later in life accomplishments. I can only imagine how his mom is doing. She lost her husband 10 years ago and now her beloved son. Dude, what the fuck. I'm sorry. I just. Damn. Life is so real.
And where is his soul? Is he in hell? Is he in heaven? Is he just dead?
Oh man.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

I want classic cheetos and a boy to talk to.

Talk to me?

Tonight we watched the Boy in the Striped Pajamas, and like. Well, dude.
I read the book in the early Spring? Or maybe it was still January/February? Well, Angel gave me the book for my  birthday, and I read it. It was the saddest thing and it made me very upset. The book is written through a child's perspective, but then it ends gruesomely. I just, I don't know. Like, I mean, I get it. The Holocaust was a real thing that happened like, almost 70 years ago? It was vile and terrible and gruesome and just wrong. The Jewish race has been through so many horrible persecutions, and sometimes we forget about it. But they're God's chosen people, and though they've gone through so much, like, they're still around!!!! SO many times have tyrants and religious sects tried to wipe them out, but they survive!!! Oh. Ugh. My heart feels heavy, I just. I don't know. I want to have like a 5 hour conversation about this with someone. I just, I feel that I have a lot to say.. maybe I do. I don't know. Its just, yeah.
I feel weird. I guess I should read until I go to bed.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Strange Fire

This week I didn't want to talk to Angel, but he called me tonight. I was with a few girls so like, I was all "I'll talk to you later, busy. Bye!" But he called from a private number?
And then, on uh, Tuesday? Derek Facebook messaged me and we talked for a bit. And I messaged him last night asking about Doctor Who but then I felt really bad about messaging him, like. I shouldn't do that? And then today he responded and sent me some songs which frustrated me. Whenever he'd send songs, they usually conveyed a meaning of some kind, but like, he denies sending signals through words. But his songs were always a way that he used to communicate things to me. So I tried not to take any of the lyrics seriously, but did he mean to tell me things through those songs? Or were they purely for sharing music? I mean, like, well, you know. I don't really want to talk to Angel for a while because I don't want him to like me as strongly as he does. I was somewhat confused with what I was feeling, but talking to him last weekend really helped make it clear that I'm not interested. I really care for the guy, and he's been with me through so much! But I don't want to have his babies. I don't even want his tongue in mouth! Nor his hand in mine. Extreme to low, but seriously. I love when he talks about literature and he's so blunt about everything, but like, the affection/concern I have for him is purely friendship. And then, his relationship with Arianna is a big deal for me because she's an English major! And she totally digs him!! LIKE DUDE OPEN YOUR EYES AND DIRECT YOUR HEART TO MS. BOOKS OVER HERE, LOLITA. But ugh. I was thinking up a story in my head during last night's shower, and I can say I've been in both their shoes to a certain extent. Like, had eyes for someone while he had them for someone else. And had deep romantic feelings for someone who saw me as just a friend. Adolescence is full of stupid, agony, embarrassment, lust, laughs, and strange fire. Also, I watched the Quarterback episode of Glee and I only cried during the first 20 minutes and the last 10. NBD. Gosh. Wow.