Thursday, November 20, 2014

poop

I know that Angel and Celia are both disappointed in me for this past interaction with Derek. But I don't want to them to be disappointed in me. I know it wasn't the best decision to have a full on conversation but I was in a lot of shock the first night. And then I did come to realize it was a bad choice, but I was just responding to his concern. And then the next night it was just finishing up the conversation. I don't really think it was that big of deal. But my avoiding Celia is probably making it seem like a big deal. But also, he talked to her about it already so. I don't know. I'm sorry I messed up, I get it. But I don't know, I don't think it was that big of a deal. Poop. 

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Okay, so Derek called me tonight. Like, he'd had a bad dream where I'd died and he wanted to check up on me. So we talked for a bit just about how we're doing and all that. He asked if he could call me again tomorrow or Sunday and I don't know. It was like old times, weird but it was fun. It was a bit surreal at first actually and my hands shook a little. Hmm. Also, like I saw the missed call and I was like "I recognize this number" but I wasn't sure if it was one of my mom's friends or Derek's mom's number. Lo and behold it was Derek, haha I recognized his voice and wow lol. I don't know, it was weird. He was just checking up to see that I was fine. He still sounded like he did back then. smh. Well yeah.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

I don't know, my life in Indio makes me sad.
Today is November 1st 2014 and well, sure the weather has been beautiful all day, such a lovely climate, finally!
But underneath it all, things are really bleak.
Personally, well I fucked up by not answering the phone a few weeks ago. Damn.
This has been a really tough end of summer/fall. Like, so our apartment's district manager/lawyer people, well they sued us and many other tenants, and though we were able to pay most of it, we still owed a lil over $300. But we've gotten  a writ to vacate by Wednesday morning at 6 a.m.
Today we went out and found a studio to move into, and we've payed the first month's rent for it already. So now we're scrambling to pack all of our things. But damn, we have a lot of stuff. I feel very conflicted and I feel like a piece of poop. I texted my inner circle and everyone was busy tonight. Well, sort of. No one offered to help, I mean, I guess Angel sort of did but he had other plans.
Last night I saw Keily for the first time since August 16, 2013 and she was drunk. She got sick and ended up falling asleep while the rest of us just chilled in her living room. She's turning to drinking and smoking cigarettes as a form of escapism. I think she's really sad on the inside and I mean, I guess it's been that way for a while. I don't know dude. Juan D. is admitting that he feels depressed and down a lot, he feels stuck here, and his parents don't support his dreams. Juan is still really worried about his health, he's still constipated and his appetite hasn't come back. Celia's struggling with her anxiety and she had to drop her classes this semester. I miss my dad and I wish financial troubles weren't a real thing. I wish my friends weren't so lost and afraid and that I was able to properly exemplify the love of Christ. I don't know dude, this has been such a long year for me. Man.
Things just feel sad at home.
At school it's all good though, I'm very content. 

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

yeah yeah (3-18-14)

okay, so like today in World History I was like "uber" emotional. Oh man, so Prof. J. talked about the Spanish Flu pandemic of 1918 and then he went into like personal application and how like last Spring and this Spring he didn't know if he had cancer and dude, that really got me! I don't know man, I was tripping out on the skin on my hands again lol. Like, it's just, after learning about squamus skin cells and their shape and that dang tissue project we did in Gagnon's junior year, I tend to have times when I totally trip out on my skin. And I just kept getting overemotional and excited and when he talked about Russia and the Bolshevik revolution, I was like "didn't they have the wrong calendar?" and a few minutes later Prof. J. was all "they had the wrong calendar" and I almost cried. Dude, today world history was so great but I was so unfocused, I kept forgetting where I was. Also, Seth has facial hair and I was like OMG and I texted Celia. I wanted to talk to Lisa about World History but I didn't see her or her stuff in lower caf so like I don't know where she is? And my roommate is at the beach still I think so??? but yeah 
p.s. I think I forgot stuff
p.p.s I thought about Keily and I smiled really big

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

His favorite color is blue!!!

ugh I'm so glad we got to have little mini conversations today oh man

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

there's this boy

Okay, so like. There's this boy.
I have said a few words to him but I don't know him and he doesn't know me.
He's in Chapel Band, he plays the electric guitar. He has a wonderful voice, both singing and talking. His face is just so wonderful. He has that kind of angry look but he's not. And that jawline, oh my. His hair is wild and wavy. I'm very drawn to him. From the first time I laid my eyes on him I thought "oh, he looks really interesting." But it was October and I was like, "nope not looking for boys." But this semester, he began looking so attractive, and then I have a class with him! I thought he was Mexican, but he's Spanish! 
I feel miserable because I want to talk to him and make him smile and just, I want intimacy with him!!! Like, not in that way where like I want to rush and just be all close to him, but I want to be his friend and develop a true and close relationship with him. Like, it scares me how badly I want to get to know him. 
Last night I went up to him and asked him if he wanted to study with me, and he said sure, and asked when I was free and we're supposed to study together tomorrow. Oh man, his smile. Wow. He drives me wild and I don't even know him. What if my intrigue in him is just like, some kind of like, not even supposed to happen? I'm being too optimistic and hoping that my intense desire to get to know him is like my soul recognizing his, because we're meant to be.. but that's just a thought. I don't know dude. I feel like poop. My heart is going to throw up and I'm already beginning to lose my appetite around him, okay around the thought of him. I don't know. I just want to spend time with him and make him smile and I hope he likes me, not in the whole like-like way, but in the "oh, I like this person. Yes, friendship." Ugh. My tummy is all freaking out and so is my heart. And I can't believe I have a crush on a boy I don't even know!!! 
Today we almost made eye contact!!! He looks at me. *swoons* So yeah. His name is Seth. Okay.  

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I don't know.

Today I found out that Enrique passed away.
Back in November my mom told me that she had ran into his mom at the grocery and she was very troubled because he was having heart problems. None of us really thought much of it, just "oh, he's just a bit less healthy." My mom said we should have gone to visit him and just bring a little bit of cheer. 
I haven't seen Enrique since the day before Graduation. He never showed up on the day of Graduation and many of us were worried. Later on, we heard he had just been sidetracked catching up with an old friend. Today I heard that he had been in the hospital since Grad Night. 
It hasn't really sunk in that a person who I met when I was like 7 years old and who I got to see grow and mature, a person I got to see smile, and laugh, and be angry, a person I got to hug and talk to is now dead. It just seems so unreal. Like, he just turned 20 three months ago and now he's gone.
I checked out his mom's facebook and I really like Derek's mom's comment of encouragement.
Gosh, dude. I just don't know. I don't know.
I can't believe this.
And is it rude and disrespectful to go to his funeral though I wasn't there for him in his final days?
I feel guilty because I didn't go visit him or even try to contact him when I found out about him being unwell. I don't know, this is so real. I just. 
I keep getting flashbacks. Mission beach, hanging out at the tree at lunch time, how he'd walk with his sidebag thing, that one time when he got mad outside of Celia's house and threw his binder on the ground, his serious face, his voice, when he had that iPod, practice, his fingerless clapping, when he'd stand too close to me, etc. I just, what.
I don't know dude. I just, I don't know.
He's dead. I'm never going to see him again. Or hear of his time at college, or of his later in life accomplishments. I can only imagine how his mom is doing. She lost her husband 10 years ago and now her beloved son. Dude, what the fuck. I'm sorry. I just. Damn. Life is so real.
And where is his soul? Is he in hell? Is he in heaven? Is he just dead?
Oh man.